GOOD SPORTSMANSHIP

A few weeks ago, I took my boys (8 & 3) to the bowling alley. We rarely go bowling so we are not good at it. At all. My 8 year old started out having a good time, but completely lost his desire to play once he realized his little brother’s score was higher than his own. Nevermind the fact that little bro used bumpers, a ball ramp, and couldn’t even carry the ball on his own to the ramp. Big bro was so distraught that he fought back tears the entire second game. He begged me not to print a copy of the score and we all left the bowling alley in a bad mood.

BEFORE BIG BRO REALIZED LITTLE BRO WAS WINNING

Recently, I’ve noticed more and more incidents like this— my children devaluing a fun experience because they lost a game due to lack of experience, skill, or patience to learn something new. Somewhere along the short course of their lives, they’ve picked up the idea that winning is easy and is the only goal of participating. I want to realign their values so that they understand that winning isn’t everything and that good sportsmanship is mandatory.

I am not going to lie—we are a competitive family. I will also admit that most of the competiveness comes from me. I get great satisfaction from beating someone fair and square. Most people who know me know this is true.

I have a sister who is 3 years younger than me, and when we were younger, I dominated her in games. Card games, board games, made up games—you name it I beat her. Over time, she got better and better and soon could match wits with me in any game. To this day, I still consider her a worthy opponent and to date she has beaten me more times than I’d like to admit.

I think the thing I enjoy most about competing with my sister is that we both try our best and although someone has to lose and someone has to win, we enjoy pushing ourselves. She is very intelligent, her mind is sharp, and although I’ve always had a slight advantage over her (because of my mind control over her J), she is someone that, even now, I have to bring my A game to beat. After putting in hard work, winning feels great and, honestly, with the right attitude, losing isn’t so bad. Losing builds character and helps a person learn and grow. Just like when I compete against my sister, I want my children to learn to use their physical and mental tools to better themselves, learning from the experience win or lose.

My sister and I have unspoken, established rules of play that were probably founded sometime in the eighties. Watching my children play together, I realize that they do not have a set of unspoken ground rules. This causes Hubby and I to constantly have to interfere in their games to make sure everyone is playing fair, regulate, repair bruised egos, etc. I don’t want to have to referee their games and I’m tired of consoling the losing child. So I’m laying down a set of ground rules for them. The rules are as follows:

-       Pick a game that everyone has a chance of winning and/or establish a handicap. This is a tricky rule, but it is necessary for my household due to the large age difference between my children (my 3 children are 12, 8, and 3). An 8 year old shouldn’t be content with dunking a basketball over a 3 year old (big bro and I had to talk about this one). Establishing the handicap beforehand helps each person try his or her best and everyone has a fair chance to win.

-       The rules of the game must be established before play, or when the first dispute occurs. Like I said before, playing my sister is easy because the rules have been long established. Inevitably, however, there will be some discrepancy over the rules at some point. In these instances, the principles behind the established rules should guide the rule making. Whatever rules are established at that point stand indefinitely.

-       You cannot cheat. No matter how tempting it is to look at the other person’s hand when they leave to use the restroom, or sloppily set up their dominoes, it is never okay to cheat to your advantage. There is no respect in winning in this manner.

-       You cannot quit because you are losing, or are going to lose. Who likes a sore loser? We must all lose sometimes so don’t make a scene by quitting or pouting or crying.  Losing gracefully is an art.  Eat your humble pie and take the loss. Hopefully the loss will motivate you to try harder next time. At the very least, you can pick up some pointers from the winner you may be able to use on a different opponent with lesser skill.

-       You can boast, but not in a mean spirited way. This rule may not be for everyone. Some people cannot take even lighthearted teasing, and most people do not know how to give it. I have to admit, I trash talk, but there has been many a time that I’ve initiated it in a humorous spirit, only to realize too late that the person I’m taunting is not taking it well. Not everyone is motivated by it and, sometimes, it actually intimidates people. Assess the situation and proceed with caution.

Hopefully with these rules, the kids will enjoy playing with each other more, and hubby and I will get a break. Does anyone else have any tips that they’ve instilled in their children to promote good sportsmanship? I’d love to hear them!